Street Harassment: A Satire

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Please note that this is a piece of satire, intended to showcase the ludicrousness of those who believe that street harassment is complimentary or not a big deal.

Personally, I love it when guys make unsolicited, off-color comments about me when I walk past them on the street. It just completes my day. My morning commute wouldn’t be the same if the group of construction workers (that I make sure to pass, of course) didn’t yell “hey, baby!” and make a comment about my physical appearance. It really boosts my self-confidence to know that they approve of the way that I look.

And when some strange guy on a crowded subway purposely rubs against me? It’s a high like no other. I know some people think it’s freaky and gross, but I prefer to take it as a form of flattery. Knowing that this guy appreciates my body so much that he wants to grope it just makes my heart sing.

I particularly enjoy when I notice a guy following me on the street. Awww! He thinks I’m so beautiful that he just has to follow me home and look at me for as long as he can. Isn’t that sweet? It’s like Edward and Bella’s relationship in Twilight!

But my all-time favorite is when a guy passes me on the street and slaps my behind. I’ll swoon if he also makes a comment about how pert my buttocks are, or something to that effect. The only thing that can top it is when a guy wolf-whistles while I walk by and stares at my chest. A guy who does that is beyond attractive. There’s nothing sexier a man can do.

Those uppity feminists who call this sort of behavior street harassment, and say that it makes them feel humiliated, need to get over themselves. Take the compliment where you can get it, ladies! If a guy likes your breasts, why shouldn’t he yell his appreciation at you across the street for the entire world to hear? What part of that is embarrassing? Why in the world would that make you feel even the slightest bit violated?

…said no self-respecting woman ever.